Absent Minded
by May - Liz
Summary: There's something going on with Liv, and Elliot has made it his personal goal to find out what. And, it just so happens, he may have the perfect cure for her troubles.  E/O throughout, promise!  :
1. Chapter 1

_**Absent Minded **_

She trembled under the downpour of water pounding her light leather jacket. The day blanketed lower Manhattan in a pattern of gloom and gray, making the 16th precinct that much more solemn looking. The women hurried through the double door entrance, passing by the mobs of cops and perps to get to the nearest pairs of elevators. She sighed a sigh as heavy as the water filled clouds looming outside, and pressed the metal elevator button toward the fifth floor. She was alone, thankfully, and she took the few minutes of silence to lean against the back wall; taking count of her thoughts, having only her roaring heartbeat as company.

The silence slipped away as the elevator doors opened, the pungent smell of burning coffee and whirling of vending machines greeting her immediately.

Dimmed flickering bulbs illuminate the path towards the bullpen entrance, and she follows them, entranced by the stillness captivating her mind. She wanted to revel in it.

Absentmindedly, she headed to straight to her desk. After more than a decade of late nights in the cribs and hours of case reviews, she knew every square inch of this place, recognized each and every detail. She could maneuver herself around the building blindfolded if necessary.

She was so lost in her thoughts, that she didn't hear the sweet whisper as it called out her name initially.

" Liv.." The voice prodded, now raising a couple octaves to a lazy mumble.

She looked up slowly, because she had to. " Hmm," she responded, the questioning emphasis playing behind the noise.

" You ok? You seem a little… absent today. Everything alright?"

She didn't mean to, but she rolled her eyes, dismissing his question as professional banter, sympathetic small talk.

" Fine El," she whispered, a sprinkle of exasperation in her voice.

He seemed to have caught on to her annoyance, as his eyes drooped to the face of his desk, searching for something to concentrate his gaze on; something to dismiss the hurt bubbling in his stomach. He knew not to prod. Their friendship was such a powerful thing, no prodding or leading necessary. Mute communication would bring him the answer to his question eventually. Until then, he'd continue to question, to worry in silence, in hopes that the gods his partner didn't believe her, would lead her to him. Into his arms. Someday, sometime. Hopefully soon.

The day dragged on, gorged on Elliot's growing anxiety. They managed to defeat the piles of week old DD5's claiming their desks, collect a handful of DNA results needed for impending cases, and round up a couple of suspects for line-ups, all in their eighteen hour shift. Exhaustion was imminent for everyone, as sleep had become a distant memory. Through the half hour at the media board, and a good three hours at the M.E's office, Olivia hadn't said a word. She kept her hands interlocked tightly, resting on the small gap between her thighs. Simple hand gestures marked the span of communication between them.

_Not __**one **__word._

He could feel the apprehension piercing his ribcage as he watched her sway towards the door to her building when he dropped her off.

There was a minute where he considered dropping the subject from his mind all together, but mentally slapped himself for even thinking about it.

_This was Olivia for God's sake. _

When he was sure he had made it all the way upstairs, he took out his cellphone and dialed, hoping she was still awake.

" El!" The voice chirped, ending the 30 second agony of four rings.

" Uh hey Kath," he responded blankly.

" You coming home?" Her tone was etched with hurt.

" No, actually. Captain asked us to cover another shift. Huge case on our hands, you know?" The lie flowed freely, without any guilt attached to it.

" Oh. Well okay. We'll see you tomorrow then. Love you."

" Yeah. Bye," he said, coldly. He hung up before she could protest or question anything any further.

He took one last look at the fourth story window; sighing as he assembled a make-shift bed in the backseat of the squad car. He couldn't go home and leave her here, alone.

However long he needed to stay here, he would.

His thoughts were laced with a flurry of emotions, as he was being serenaded to sleep by the buzzing noises of Manhattan.

A familiar beeping noise woke him out of his trance, and he scrambled for his phone.

_Who the fuck…_

His heart skipped a few beats and his eyes grew wide as he opened the text message.

_El. I need you. Let's talk. – Liv_

As he made his way through the entrance and up the flight of stairs, he found his breathing unequal, his legs succumbing to a jello- like substance; quivering beneath him.

Before knocking on the door, he made a silent promise to himself.

_Don't leave here without telling her. You have to tell her. _


	2. Crash

_**A/N: Enjoy this next chapter guys! And remember, reviews keep us going (: **_

It only took a few steady knocks for the door to creak open. He didn't notice her immediately once he stepped inside, until he glanced over to the couch. That's when his world crumbled around him, the four walls providing shelter toppled, and he couldn't believe his eyes.

She wore standard issue NYPD sweatpants with a matching oversized t-shirt. He smiled internally, recognizing it. He had lent it to her over four years ago; he couldn't stand seeing her blouse covered in dried blood, so he gave her one of his old shirts to wear. His mind stilled a bit as he processed the thought of her keeping it all this time.

Her face was bare of makeup, hair clipped up into a messy bun. The lack of sleep was imminent, as small bags were beginning to peek under the under lay of her olive skin. She had been crying.

_And she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen._

He took a profound breath as he made his way over to where this woman sat. There was no greeting, no gestures. He simply sighed as he took his place next to her. She was playing at the hem of her t-shirt, and he caught a small glimpse of a smile. Her eyes fixated on the half-empty take out containers sprawled out on the coffee table in front of them, and they lingered in a few minutes of silence before he chose to speak.

" So.. Liv, what's up?" He said, trying to sound nonchalant and friendly.

Her gaze slowly directed itself toward him, and she smiled.

He tried to hide his confusion, and fought himself against asking again.

"I.. umm…"

Her voice stood at a whisper, almost hard to hear. He waited for her to continue.

" Not sure I can stay at the unit for much longer. "

_What? What did she just say?_

"L-..Liv." was all he could muster under the cloak of panic that had been instilled in his body, injected through the heart. Not surprisingly, the words pierced more flesh than any of the gun shots he had ever sustained.

Sensing the dread in his voice, she placed her hand on his knee, offering up her warmth and comfort; as a way to cushion the blow that was about to be dealt; took a deep breath, and continued.

" After the whole thing with Calvin, I've taken the time to really analyze my life for what it is, and what It can be. I want kids, Elliot. I want to be married and happy and… Every day, each case, takes another little piece of me. Every case a little more horrific than the other. I don't know if I have anything more of me to give. I've been alone my entire life, but it's now that I'm really starting to feel it. The loneliness, the isolation… All I have to come home to is this empty apartment and my mother's old liquor cabinet. I do not want to become my mother. I feel like this job is finally getting in the way of that. I resist the urge to chug an entire bottle of whiskey every night to try to wipe away the images of battered women, slaughtered kids... I need some sanity, Elliot. Or I won't survive. "

The tears that had been collecting started to flow with the fluttering of her eyelids.

He sensed his heart shatter into pieces as the words began to sink into the depth of his stomach. He felt physically ill, and resisted every temptation to throw her into his arms and keep her there forever, showing her love, compassion…

_**Love.**_

He shut his eyes for a second, commanding the tears to keep themselves at bay. It took a few seconds to recollect himself, but after mulling over something (anything) to say, his eyes flapped open to take in the sight before him.

She was crying harder than before now, rolling clenched fists into her hair, and punching the cushions.

Whatever Olivia Benson was made of that had made her so indestructible, so impenetrable for so long; life had become the antidote to it. He looked on as he witnessed the destruction of the bouldered fort she had hid behind crumble; over forty years in the making.

They sat under cover of misery and darkness, the impenetrable silence between them never become awkward or uncomfortable, it was just therapeutic.

Each other's company was all they needed.

As Liv's sobs settled down and eventually came to a stand-still, exhaustion crept up for both of them.

He took a chance, and directed her head to his lap when she began to drift in and out of consciousness, with no sign of a protest. His hands stroked her hair and caressed her jawline; all she needed to give in to the fatigue.

It was there, in the far corner of Olivia's couch, that Elliot found himself the way he had always wanted to be: enveloped in her.

Before following her lead and falling asleep, Elliot sent a hushed prayer to his God for putting him there, in the center of his partner's heart. He took in the light smell of lavender and vanilla that invaded him from below, and added another promise to his list.

He would stay in this position for ever.

_**A/N: Things are revving up real soon around here, I promise! Remember to review! Any scene ideas are appreciated, especially for any possible smut scenes? hmm (; Up next: Elliot attempts to make some headway on his list. Will he succeed? **_


	3. Fall

**_A/N: Sorry for the delay guys! Here is the next chapter. Remember, reviews keep us going! We love the feedback. Scene suggestions are greatly appreciated as well. Follow us on twitter: LizzaMarlene and MaylinSmiles (: _**

" _God El, more!" Her soft voice sent arrays of tingling to his spine, he didn't know how much more he could take. He held back harsh tears as he looked at the beautiful creature laying under him, grunting and moaning at his touch. He didn't know how they had gotten to this point, the aftermath of over 12 years of foreplay, their naked bodies intertwined in a bond of lust and desire. All he knew, all he wanted to know, was that they were here. In bed. Together. Tasting each other, becoming masters of one another's body, leaving trails of heat and fire and love in their wake; branding themselves each other's property._

_He knew she was on the edge, but he was determined to make her incoming orgasm one to throw her completely off of earth, into flame, insuring that she couldn't ever be with another man like this. Another man period. _

_The moment startled them both, as her walls clenched in around him, and he opted for one more deep, profound thrust before letting her go; swerving into oblivion._

_He caved as well, their cum filling each other up; warming from the inside._

_He crashes his lips onto hers for the grand finale, and is suddenly met with the strange aroma of…._

_Coffee?_

He awoke to the smell of fresh coffee, and an empty lap. He kept his eys shur for a little while, swatting away the need to wake up like some pesky mosquito. the dream wouldn't come back to him, no matter how hard he tried.

With a sigh of exasperation-or maybe just lack of sleep- he picked himself off of the couch and towards the kitchen, immediately spotting the tall mug with a yellow note attached to it sitting on the counter.

His heart twitched a gnawing feeling of disappointment as he held up the mug to his lips, chugging the coffee for a sparked dose of caffeine, and read over the small piece of paper.

_Went to talk to Cragen. Sorry about last night. See you at the precinct._

_Liv_

He bowed his head to the floor in anger.

_Was it really over?_

The question reverberated in his mind as he rushed into the shower and out the door, the possible answer burning holes into his stomach.

The ride to the station was eerily quiet, and Elliot was left to simmer in his own thoughts as he sped across the city. Breathing had become too much of a chore; he felt like he was suffocating. He'd never thought he'd witness his entire world begin to crash all around him. It was at the point where nothing interested him. Not the job, not his life…

_Liv._

He found himself thinking about her hair and how it would droop over her eyes when she bowed her head. How he resisted the urge to touch her when he caught a whiff of her scent as she walked by him. How he didn't have sex with Kathy anymore because he was afraid of calling out Liv's name.

He thought about late nights at the station, the stolen glances over his desk; how he planned out the way he'd tell her the truth a dozen times.

He couldn't get her out of his mind.

_What was this? What were they?_

He knew better than to question a label for them. They were the power duo, no need for any sort of labeling. There was no questioning, no curiosity, no wondering…

_They just were. _

They simply existed together, breathed together, survived together.

_I can't do this without you. _

He reluctantly fought away the chain of thoughts as he parked the squad car.

The bullpen was buzzing with its regular activity; the way it normally is. It was a normal day. For everyone except him anyway. He glanced around for her; not even bothering to stop at his desk. The blinds to Cragen's office were shut, a sign that he was speaking to someone.

He was oblivious to Fin's yells as he stormed toward the wood door, praying with every fiber of his being that Olivia was still there.

He was about to turn the knob when he heard the second door to the office creak open and slam shut; followed by the scurry of footsteps.

_She's going to the cribs._

"You're not running away from me," he mumbled harshly under his breath.

He must've sprinted up the set of stairs, because he heard a couple officers curse him for almost knocking them to the ground. He didn't care. He ignored the fire igniting in his chest as he gently pushed his way into the dark room.

His eyes struggled to recognize the long figure cuddled up on the grimy floor at first, but his breathing stalled when he did.

The sobs were unmistakable; he'd know the sound anywhere.

He took caution in walking toward her as he was sure she hadn't heard him yet.

"Go away Elliot," she mumbled in between cries.

He knew not to listen to her. In their language 'go away' or 'fuck off' meant I'm in trouble. Help me. Instead, he edged even closer to her, shrugging his jacket off and sliding to the floor, engulfing her in his arms without a word.

Her muscles relaxed into his embrace, and she snaked her arms around the width of his shoulders; seeking his warmth, his comfort, his scent.

_I need you. _

He shushed her as he clutched her body as close to him as possible, rocking them back and forth. They sat there for what seemed like hours, lost in each other's oblivion. No words were spoken, they didn't need to be. He pressed soft kisses to her forehead and stroked her face clean of salty tears. Nothing sexual, nothing romantic. His soft whisper was what dared to break the comfortable silence as his mouth inched toward her ear and muttered something that left both of them grasping for breath.

"I love you. I'm… I'm in love with you Olivia."


	4. Cross

**A/N: And here we go! Chapter 4! I'm so sorry for the long delay; I've been buried in test prep. However this is a pretty long chapter and I have a long weekend ahead of me so expect an update very soon! Reviews keep me going, so keep that in mind(: Enjoy and tell me what you think! I'm still taking suggestions for possible scenarios. **

His words sputtered out in a spurious movement, and he winced in anticipation awaiting her answer amidst the stuffy quiet.

_Seconds._

_Minutes._

He mentally kicked himself for choosing this moment to tell her. It was supposed to be a thing of romance and joy , not misery and confusion.

_This wasn't how he meant it to happen._

He felt her grip on him tense a bit, but he hoped she wouldn't pull away. His mind was screaming at him.

_Please Answer._

He hated to prod, but he needed to destroy the path of uncomfortable silence simmering in the atmosphere. Body heat had gone cold; their hands slowly began to venture away from each other until Olivia stood up in a startle, perhaps letting the words sink in deep enough to realize what it meant.

Running a quick hand through her hair, she started for the door.

_This isn't happening. He's just trying to comfort me. It isn't true._

_It isn't true._

"Liv," he whispered. He was standing now too, and cautiously inching toward her.

"D-Don't. Just don't Elliot. " Her voice was rambled with steel, a tone she'd constantly use when interrogating a perp. She wasn't supposed to have to resort to talking to him like that.

_The truth wasn't supposed to hurt. _

He took a chance and put a gentle hand on her shoulder, willing her to look at him. He used the sharp pierce of his eyes to captivate her; using them to say the unspeakable, to let her know this was real. They were real.

Her brown orbs were glassed over with a thin sheet of unshed tears, and she forced herself not to throw her body into his warm embrace once again. The only place she felt safe.

_This couldn't be happening._

She diverted her gaze and stared at the small tiles below them. She didn't trust herself to look back up at him, in fear of blurting out something completely stupid. So she froze.

_More contact._

His touch scorched her skin as he placed his hand upon her cheek and gently lifted her head to face him.

_I'm so fucking screwed._

"Liv," he began, "I know you're upset and scared and probably wanting to bash in my nuts for throwing all of this onto you so suddenly. But it's the truth. I love you more than words can explain. I've loved you since the day we met, the minute I shook your hand. I felt something. Of course I denied it and pretended it didn't exist in the beginning, but it came to a point where the feelings were so real, so vivid in my mind, that I just couldn't ignore them anymore. After the first separation with Kathy, I was determined to take you out, tell you everything. But then… You tried so hard to piece my marriage back together, that I figured you didn't feel the same. And... Don't think I gave up on you. Because I would do that. I can't. God Liv, I fucking love you. And you know what? I think you love me too. I think you love me just as much but you're afraid of that. You're afraid of loving someone. Letting someone love you. Is that… Is that why you've been so distant lately?

The lump in her throat was preventing her from being able to form any words. She had waited over twelve years for him, for this. She had always kept up the hope that he would choose her over Kathy; saving herself for years. Then, she gave up after the whole Dani situation. He could make out with a woman he barely knew and sleep with his ex-wife but he couldn't put the moves on the main woman in his life that was practically tripping herself for his attention? Asshole.

The anger bubbled over and she scoffed harshly.

"All of this is bullshit El. You know it and I know it. You don't love me. You love the idea of me." she said through clenched teeth.

She spit out daggers with each word, but he was determined to get it all out. He couldn't let her run away from him again; from them.

_He needed her. _

"Listen to me Olivia! I am a grown ass fucking man! If I didn't feel this strongly about you, do you think I'd really stand here and embarrass myself like this? God... I'm not some idiotic teenager here! I'm sure about this, about us.. About the way I can only think of you in my spare time, how I know not to put sugar in your coffee because you like it black. How, against all odds, you are the person I look forward to seeing, the only reason I come into work sometimes. " His voiced had raised a couple octave now, climbing to a tense whisper.

_I need to make her understand. _

Their bodies stood just centimeters away at this point, as he had slowly scooted closer to her while he spoke. He saw the lone tear cascade down her face and held up a finger to swipe it away. She offered a faint smile to which he returned. This couldn't be easy for her. Her partner and best friend of twelve years was confessing his undying love for her in the middle of the cribs during a mental breakdown?

_Talk about having an off day._

He shuffled closer to her, closing the small gap they shared between them, erasing the professional boundary that had set the very first day of their partnership.

It didn't take much self-coercion to pull her tightly into his arms. It took even less to brush the excess hair from the side of her head and whisper " I love you" into her ears again and again, until he was sure she had the rhythm and sound pattern of his whisper memorized; engraved into the back of her brain.

It did however, take a lot of balls to feather his lips over hers and forget to pull away.

The contact startled her at first, but she wasn't about to say no to the demands of the man she had loved her entire adult life.

They each gave into the kiss, letting their tongues dance together, tasting each other. Her hand flew to the back of his neck, reeling him in closer. He wound an arm around her waist and crashed them against the wall, landing with a thud. Her hands began roaming his body; exploring. She cupped his ass before raking her nail alongside his chest, bringing herself full circle.

His palms lay comfortably in her hair, holding her head and kissing every visible part of her face. She moaned into his mouth and screamed his name, something he couldn't help but smile about. She wanted it just as bad.


End file.
